


Personal Journal (that means you can't read this Jack, I trust you to give it back if you find it)

by teaboy83



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Bi Disaster, Diary/Journal, Ianto's Diary, M/M, POV First Person, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25115260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaboy83/pseuds/teaboy83
Summary: Entries from my diary I feel are worth sharing in case someone feel the same way as I do. I doubt it, no one on Earth has the same kind of life. My life is complicated, I sometimes wish it wasn't, but most of the time, I'm glad to be unique. I'm sorry if some of the shady things I did offend you but the world isn't all pink and rainbows for everybody.Enjoy,Sincerly Ianto Jones.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Kudos: 12





	1. It's only sex

It’s only sex no big deal.

The human body is the weirdest thing ever, seriously what the hell is going on with "sexual attraction/tension/desire"? Couldn't it be just love and that's it? Why do I want sex? I wish I would only want love. The problem you have with sex is that even if you don't want to admit it, it creates a bond. A link between two people. You see somebody else naked and they see you naked as well, you're in your most vulnerable position and you trust that person not to make fun of you or tell everybody what you two are doing together.

The sex you have with them is wonderful. You want more and fortunately they want the same. You start thinking about them with desire and longing, wondering what they would like you to do to them... You start to care and want to give your best in bed so you can show them you don't suck (well... sucking a cock is the only exception). You invest yourself in this sexual relationship. You want them to see that you actually care.

  
It's the beginning of those shitty feelings.

  
You don't know why they're here because you didn't want them. But of course they came, you started to care at some point even though you were telling yourself the opposite and were fooling with other people as well…

But the problem is that the person you feel connected to doesn't feel the same way. They don't put their heart into it the way you do. They are just disappointing because they never thought of giving you pleasure or something different, they’re only doing this for their own pleasure…  
They just are a disappointment.

And you become so sad when they come back to you and they tell you about all the other people they've fucked. You should be laughing with them and tell them about the people you've fucked too. But your tongue is tied. No sound comes out except for some pity noises coming from the back of your throat. You start to hate him. You hate him for making you like him. And more importantly you start hating yourself. Because you did not listen to anything your friend said, thinking you could do better than feeling something for someone you just wanted to fuck multiple times. And you feel like shit. You feel like you were used. And in a way you were. And you hate yourself because you liked it. You were too stupid.


	2. I'm not too great with spoons apparently

I wish I could just hold him and be extra comfortable in bed but I can't. For some reason, I'm not good at spooning him. My arm hurts, I'm never at the right height so I either have my face in his back (which I don't mind too much, he has a very muscular back) or in his hair (that I don’t like because it makes me sneeze.) and most importantly I can’t see his face (and that’s a shame because I need to see him to see how he’s feeling.)

Jack often asks me to hold him when it hasn’t been a great day but I feel like I’m never good enough for it. What am I supposed to accomplish by holding him? If he’s hungry, I can make him a sandwich (cutting off the crusts because he’s a child) and he won’t be hungry anymore, if he’s tired, I make him coffee, if he’s horny I… well I’ve written bits about that before. But when he’s sad? I can’t just make his sadness go away by holding him, can I?

I know how it feels… People saying they are there for you, but are they really? You can never be in someone’s head. I certainly can’t be in his head, I have no idea what he’s thinking half the time… Maybe it’s because it’s the beginning of this… thing we have going on.

Maybe I should ask him to hold me when I’m sad… or maybe not, it feels strangely close. I’m not good with closeness like that, I don’t mind giving Jack what he wants but I don’t think I could ask the same thing. Sleeping together is one thing, cuddling is another but looking for comfort in his arms…  
Well writing it down helps me see it through a bit better.

I wouldn’t mind asking Jack to hold me, let him be the big spoon for once. Like on the first time we had sex… He was trying to make me feel better, I know that, but it just made me miss Lisa.  
I think I’m ready to ask him to hold me.

I hope his arm won’t fall asleep and that he won’t sneeze in my hair.


	3. Am I enough?

I’m not exactly the most passionate of lovers. I do try don’t get me wrong but ... sometimes I feel like I’m not enough for him. Sometimes I wonder if he’s better off without me completely. I’ve considered ending things with him ... I really have but ... well I can’t. I physically can’t and it terrifying. There wasn’t supposed to be any strings and for him I suppose there isn’t but I feel this... this tightness in my chest whenever I think about living life without him. I don’t love him. Not quite yet. I don’t think so anyway. I just wish things were a little more clear. I sometimes wish for a life without torchwood ... without the team... just me and him. But that’ll never happen so now I guess I should be content with what I have. 

Ps: I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no ... I’m not in denial about loving him because I promise you I don’t just yet.


	4. Chapter 4

I taught Jack how to use the coffee machine today. I'm not sure he understood everything but he seemed quite eager to learn and it made me happy. He's always complimenting me on my technique so I was a bit nervous about telling him I actually learnt how to make coffee from my time as a barista in London and I was not born with that skill. His first cup tasted awful but I drank it all anyway, it made him smile so it was worth the horrible taste of burnt coffee.

I wanted to teach him because after what happened to Tosh and Owen, it made me realise how lucky I was to still be alive. It could've been me stuck in that nuclear station, I could've been the one stabbed in the Hub... We live a very dangerous life and when I go, I want Jack to be able to make his own coffee and think of me. With a lot of luck, I might die in a very long time and that machine would be obsolete... I need to make sure I teach him on every new machine we get so he's always up to date!

Makes me realise I need to make a list of supplies for Owen and here I am rambling about Jack in my diary. When did this become a Jack-centered book? Oh well, probably when my life became Jack-centered. I need new hobbies.


End file.
